Navigating the Worst Part of Leading Change

by Crystal Chiang

Summer turns into fall. 

You walk into a room and immediately wish you brought a jacket. 

Sweaters are replaced for t-shirts. 

We all know what it feels like when the temperature changes. In fact, there is actually research that says many married couples fight over the thermostat and even change it behind their spouse’s back. 

This isn’t just true as it relates to the weather. It’s also true when it comes to conflict. Whether it’s spouses or coworkers, friends or colleagues, kids or neighbors, we all have a kind of spidey-sense when there is about to be conflict. I think that’s the case for a lot of reasons, but here’s the biggest one.

We don’t like it.

Okay, some people SEEM to like it. But for the most part, conflict isn’t something we sign up for, look forward to, or put on our wishlist. At the same time, we all know it’s everywhere. In fact, as a leader navigating conflict is inevitable. 

Here’s why. 

There are a few things all humans need. Food, water, and shelter all make the list. But there are also a few other things that we all know we are wired for even though they may not seem necessary for our physical survival.

Among those is community. Think about it for a second. What was the very first not good thing and creation? In the beginning, God made fish, birds, sky, and stars, and even man and said it is good. The first time we see anything that was not good was for man to be alone. From the very beginning, we see that we were wired for more than isolation. We are wired for community.

Something else that we all are wired for? Change. OK, maybe that one doesn’t show up in the creation story so clearly, but it is at the heart of the gospel. We believe because of what Jesus did and through the work of the Holy Spirit, we can be transformed. We can live differently than our natural instincts dictate. 

Change is part of who we are and how God intends for us to live.

But that’s where things get tricky, isn’t it? As soon as you combine those last two elements things get complicated. Members of your community don’t always like change. Or, they want change that isn’t necessarily best for everyone. So the two things that are essential for our thriving–community and change–almost always produce one outcome: conflict.

In that way, conflict is as inevitable a part of our experience being human as food and water. 

Conflict* is the most fertile soil for growth.

So, how do we grow through conflict and navigate conflict wisely? 

It starts by acknowledging that conflict always involves two relationships that we can manage.  

Our relationship with God. 

Our relationship with the other person. 

When conflict is done right, both of those relationships will be stronger. When conflict is done wrong, both of those relationships will suffer.

“Every time you encounter a conflict, you will inevitably show what you really think of God”[i]  

As Ken Sande points out, conflicts almost always reflects a relationship with God. Do we trust God enough to help us navigate the waters, or do we back away because ultimately we believe that we are in control… And we might mess it up. Do we steward what God has given as well, despite discomfort, or do we keep our distance?

But there’s obviously another person involved as well, right? And one fallacy we all tend to believe is that if we love our neighbor, we will not disagree. In reality, nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, experience has taught me that one of the biggest tools God uses for growth in my own life is conflict. So why would I withhold that opportunity from others? When conflict is handled correctly, I may just find that the most loving thing I can do for my neighbor is wade into the waters of conflict with them. 

Now, this isn’t permission to be a jerk because you believe your neighbor is wrong about something or needs to grow in some way. It’s also not permission to pretend your actions are loving when your neighbor has said they aren’t. But it is a reminder that when it comes to people you lead, you have a responsibility to navigate conflict in a way that helps them grow. 

So, what’s at stake if we don’t get this right? 

The relationship. 

We all know what it’s like to let an unspoken conflict quietly erode a relationship until there is nearly nothing left. We all also know what happens when conflict isn’t handled well. 

The mission.

Mission drift is inevitable in all of us. As leaders, you and I have a responsibility to do what is difficult in order to protect the mission.

The health of the Kingdom.

In John 17 Jesus is clear that his prayer and will for the body of believers is unity. The real unity is not the absence of conflict. True unity comes from honesty and truth. It comes from each of us bravely embracing our differences, our perspectives, and finding the courage to talk things out that may be difficult. It is not stuffing negative emotions or ignoring complicated circumstances. Real unity is being for each other… Even when we are not with each other on a certain topic.  

While conflict may be our least favorite part of what it means to be a leader, it is one of the most important parts. Because how we navigate conflict will not just determine how we change and grow. It also determines how the next generation trusts us. That may be one of the most important reasons to navigate conflict with care of all. 

*For the purpose of this blog, we are talking about conflict, not abuse. A conversation about abuse would be a different situation. 

[i]  Sande, Ken. The Peacemaker: A Biblical guide to resolving personal conflict. Grand Rapids: Baker Books, 2004. 11.